Monday, March 5, 2012

I'm a Bit Odd, I Guess...

Last night was kind of... Personally revealing night for me.

We were talking about weird things you've stumbled upon the internet. Then it went to what age you started looking at porn. Or what age you started playing with yourself. The topics were everywhere, but fun to talk about. Admit those weird images you've seen that you've never told anyone else and have someone relate to you.

Then I came to a startling realization.
I was looking at pornographic type images since I started going on the computer. So we're talking about the age of nine... I was searching google images of naked anime women from shows I liked watching. (Tenchi Muyo, X-Men, etc...) Eventually I stumbled upon DeviantArt, Harry Potter images...
I'm nine. I just know I like the images.
My family brings it up occasionally, but no one really knows how to talk about it. I blow it off as "I like the picture, it's pretty" because I don't know why I actually liked it. My grandparents told me they didn't like me going to such "bad sites", but I didn't know what sites they were talking about. I had no idea what I was looking at was "bad". (Looking back, yeah, I was incredibly naive.)

I spent 14-18 hours a day if I could on the internet, browsing fanfiction and fanart. X-rated was my favorite setting on until they took it down. I remember a few stories with nothing but sex, but I didn't realize why I was reading it.
I was 12 or 13 and can remember grinding into my jeans because it felt good while reading an X-Men smut story.

I never masturbated.
I never learned how to, I guess. I never realized I was "supposed" to?

So I'm 22 now and I still don't really masturbate. I try, I try, and I never actually get a thrill. I never get satisfaction. I just... Feel like I should be doing other stuff.
I told Josh that I tried to masturbate two days ago and I couldn't. He goes "What were you thinking about?" My response, "Counting. I was bored." And he just gave me a stunned silence. Yeah... I was counting.

It's weird, I want to relax enough to enjoy it... But I can't seem to let go enough to enjoy myself, to use my imagination for my own benefit.

I test toys for fun, but I never really get anywhere but worked up.
I worked at an adult novelty shop, I can help others learn to get off, but can't seem to do anything for myself.
I love talking sex, about anything, but I can't seem to help myself.

So for now? I'm taking a break on reviewing and giving my opinion on testing toys (not that there was much before now...) until I can figure something.

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